


Vanitas is Healing, Somehow

by sketchyscrolls



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aqua and Terra are Forgiving, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, NOT VAN/VEN, Not Canon Compliant, Vanitas Is Bad at Feelings (Kingdom Hearts), Vanitas Redemption (Kingdom Hearts), Vanitas is Depressed, Vanitas is kind of like the one in the comic, Vanitas misses Ventus, Ventus is Sweet, after kh3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:20:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23581498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sketchyscrolls/pseuds/sketchyscrolls
Summary: After the events of Kingdom Hearts 3, Ventus and Vanitas shared a short moment in which Ventus took his brother's hand and showed him what light felt like. He didn't know, however, that it would strengthen the bond between them. He also didn't know that it would allow him to feel what Vanitas felt, at times. And he expected least of all that somehow, Vanitas would be able to grow into his own person. Vanitas didn't expect this either, for the record.
Relationships: Aqua & Terra & Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), Sora & Ventus (Kingdom Hearts), Vanitas & Ventus (Kingdom Hearts)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

He never thought he'd get a second chance. Not after what he did to Ventus.

Vanitas lay on his side, curled up on the dry desert ground. He did this often, after fighting his own personified emotions. But this time... He had fought his own brother. The one who he missed so much... The one who he just wanted to be whole with again. But it wasn't that easy. He'd been laying here ever since.

He found that he was crying, when he was on the ground like this, more often than not. Crying because he didn't know what else to feel. He couldn't feel anything else... But Ventus was so kind. He was light, after all... When he took Vanitas' hand to show him what it felt like to be whole, Vanitas cried, then, too. Not that Ventus saw. He had the helmet on, as usual. But... Ventus cried, too. He hadn't expected that, because couldn't Ventus not feel any negative emotions? But that seemed like it wasn't really true... Maybe he could only feel them in a sacrificial way. A noble way. Like Vanitas felt pride and victory, but the opposite. He scoffed to himself. He didn't need his other half's pity.

But Vanitas was sobbing, right now. Because what he'd felt then, that light, he had been thirsting for it for ten whole years. And finally... Finally, he got a taste, and now he was alone again. He needed it. He so desperately needed it. But what did he say? He said he had chosen to be darkness. Well, that went over well. Even Sora seemed disappointed in him. Who wouldn't be? He wasn't enough for Xehanort... He never had been enough for Ventus... He just... wasn't enough. He clawed at the ground, curling more tightly around himself, screaming and shouting into the nothingness around him. No one was here. No one would hear him.

He was wrong.

"Vanitas?"

How did Ventus get in his head?

And then... he felt it. The light... It was faint, but there. Even the smallest amount of it made his breath catch in his throat, which felt like it was closing in on itself. 

"What-- w-what the fuck? V-ventus? How-- how can you hear me?" he got out, between sobs and hiccups. He needed Ventus, and he damn well knew it, but he wouldn't admit that. Not to this softie.

"You need me? Are you alright?" No way. He can't have just heard that.

"I'm n-never alright!" he shouted, only to burst into a few more violent sobs. "N-never... And I never will be." He missed Ventus. He always missed him, and he fought with his own unversed over and over, and he was in so, so much pain. So much pain. He pulled on the jet black hair that he had so much of, thanks to Sora. His golden eyes were rimmed with red, his heart making it impossible for him to breathe without sobbing or shouting or whimpering. He was pathetic. Pathetic.

"You're not pathetic." He heard that, too? "I'm on my way." What?

"H-huh? Wh-- hey-- V-Ven-- No!"

And then, not half a minute later, he saw it. Ventus, on his little... keyblade... ship thing. And then, a second later, Ventus was out of his armor, the ship gone, his keyblade disappearing into thin air. And he had this worried expression on his stupid face.

\--

When Ventus had felt the utter pain tugging on the connection between his half of the heart and Vanitas', he couldn't stop the sharp gasp in surprise that forced its way out.

"What's wrong?" Aqua. She put a hand on his shoulder.

"Vanitas. He's--" Another gasp, and then a quiet sob. "Oh my gosh." He felt a few tears fall. "If I'm... feeling this... How does he feel?" He got up and wrapped his arms around himself. "I'm... gonna be right back," he told Aqua and Terra, who both looked worried, but knew the situation enough to know that Ventus had to go.

Ventus ran to the cliff where he, Aqua, and Terra met the day before their whole world collapsed.

And he laid on his back, closed his eyes, and followed the emotion until he was freely sobbing. He took a few deep breaths. These weren't his emotions, but they... kind of were. But not his half. He called out to Vanitas. And Vanitas responded. And after a short exchange, Ventus understood.

Vanitas missed him.

He immediately got on the keyblade ship and shot off toward where Vanitas always was. And once he saw Vanitas curled up on the ground, he landed and took off the armor, de-materializing the keyblade as well. He quickly approached Vanitas, who pushed himself up and put his helmet back on, summoning his keyblade. "You s-stay back!" he said, threateningly.

Ventus flinched at the tone Vanitas had used, but he stepped forward.

"Vanitas, please... You're in pain. You're not okay."

"You think I don't f-fucking know that?!" He shot some badly aimed magic at Ventus, to try and scare him off, but Ventus easily dodged it. 

"I'm sorry." What? "You didn't ask to be taken from me." The fucking audacity... 

"F-fuck you," he said, but his voice broke, and his eyes filled with tears. "Fuck you!" he said, more clearly this time. He attacked Ventus again, but this time, he had rushed forward. Ventus summoned his own keyblade and blocked his attack, knocking him back. 

"Listen, I know what you're feeling, Vanitas. Why won't you just let me help? It's radiating from you, I could barely hold myself together back home. You need me, don't you?" 

"Who the fuck s-said I needed you? Huh?!" He clenched his fist, and a forceful gasp left him. He growled at himself and struck a rock behind him, before collapsing -- it had taken a lot out of him to fight back like that. "Just... leave me alone." His keyblade disappeared. 

"You know I can't do that and still be me," Ventus said. He approached slowly, and when Vanitas made no move to attack him, he kneeled beside Vanitas and laid a hand on his shoulder, surprised when he found that he was trembling. 

"Why don't you hate me?" It was quiet, pained. 

Ventus closed his eyes and sighed. "I can't hate, for one." He looked at the black covering that was shielding his dark half's face. He wondered what his expression was underneath. "And, well... You're me." 

Vanitas sat up and took the helmet off, as if reading his mind. And maybe he had. It seemed that tears had collected in the bottom of his helmet because as soon as it was off, they dripped onto the ground below. 

"Didn't you hear me before?" Vanitas glared up at ventus, the red around his eyes giving him a more human look than Ventus had ever seen on him. "I am darkness. I can't... I... I will never feel happiness. Or be able to be kind, or feel benevolent. I can only hurt you." He looked away. "Let me rephrase that. Why the hell do you still care about me, after all I did to ruin your life? I used your emotions against you. I knew how much you cared about Terra and I used it to hurt you. Why would you care about me, now?" 

"I don't know." Ventus was honest. Ha. Vanitas could be honest too, but he wasn't always honest. "But I do know that you're my brother, and while you've hurt me, deep down, I care about you and I want justice for you." 

"How would you know if I need justice? Huh? You weren't here when Xehanort fucked me up. You weren't here for that. You don't know anything." He said it tauntingly, and Ventus sighed. 

"I just know. Vanitas, he's dead." Vanitas met his eyes for the first time that day. "Sora killed him. He's with Master Eraqus now. I don't know how he deserved to have a happy ending, because of what he did to us, but... He's gone now. Forever." Vanitas was silent, after hearing that. He thought Xehanort was dead... He just didn't know, for sure. It had been a week since that fight, and he still hadn't shown up to beat the shit out of Vanitas like he usually did. 

"Ventus..." he started, but then he paused. As if he didn't think he should speak. His expression hardened again, he swallowed back his emotions, and then he pushed Ventus' hand away, even though he desperately needed that hand to stay. He got up and faced away from Ventus. "You shouldn't come here. I'll try to hide my stupid emotions from you. They fucking suck. I never wanted your help." He was lying. He was lying, now. He needed Ventus' help, and on the inside, he was begging Ventus not to go. Please don't leave me here. Please don't leave me. But he hated that he needed Ventus. Weak. So fucking weak. 

Ventus found himself crying again. He could feel the struggle that Vanitas was feeling within himself. He just didn't understand why it was happening. Why did everything have to be a fight with Vanitas? Why wouldn't he just let Ventus help him? He stood, too. And then, without thinking, he grabbed Vanitas' shoulder, spun him around, and wrapped his arms around him tightly. He could feel that Vanitas was still trembling, he felt how Vanitas tensed as soon as it happened. But then... Vanitas hugged him back. Miraculously, this had gotten to him. And it all came crashing down, right onto Ventus, because Vanitas was squeezing him, burying his face in his shoulder, and shaking much harder than he had been earlier. 

Ventus didn't understand why until he heard a pitiful sob. Oh. He wasn't quite sure how to respond now, but he thought hugging him tighter might be the best way. So he did. And in response, Vanitas fell apart.

The hug was how any hug for them would be. Vanitas taking it, Ventus giving it. But it was the first one they'd ever had, and they both felt a warmth spread through their chests, as if this was how it was supposed to be. There should be a bond here. They should have a relationship -- they were brothers.

\--

About an hour had passed, and now, Vanitas was pretty embarrassed. He had backed up considerably after the first half hour, and now he wouldn't meet Ventus' eyes. But Ventus understood. Vanitas had been all about being strong before, but Ventus caught him in one of his most vulnerable moments. But Ventus wasn't judging him. He was surprised at how self-conscious Vanitas really was, underneath the façade of pride. But when he thought about it... It really did make sense. 

"Would you come back with me?" he asked, out of the blue. Vanitas jumped a little, and then cursed at himself. 

"Why? Your stupid friends would probably kill me. Especially Terra. Damn halfwit." Ventus sighed at this, and ran a hand through his hair. 

"They seemed worried, when I first felt how upset you were. I mean, I... I told you I could barely hold myself together. I wasn't lying. I cried." 

"Huh? I made you cry? How the hell does that work?" 

"I dunno, I guess it's the same way you felt how much I care about Terra." 

"So, you felt a ghost of my dark emotions and it overwhelmed you?" 

"No, it was actually... pretty strong. I, uh... I haven't felt it that badly since Master Eraqus..." 

"Oh." 

It was silent for around a minute, and then Vanitas cleared his throat. He looked a little uncomfortable. "So, uh... is it not normal to... feel like that?" he asked. "Oh, hell, what the fuck is normal about either of us?" 

"I mean, you have a point, but um... I think that was a panic attack." He trailed a finger through the dirt. "I've had those. Not... with the same kind of emotions, but..."

"In your weird light sort of way. Right?" Vanitas tugged on the fabric that hung from his waist awkwardly. 

"Y-yeah." Ventus was surprised he'd gotten this far with Vanitas. 

"If I go with you, I want you to promise that your stupid friends won't hurt me," Vanitas stated. 

"You can bet on it. If nothing else, they won't hurt you because they know that you're a part of me." 

Vanitas scoffed. "Wow. That's comforting." 

"I mean, it's better than nothing." 

"Of course you're an optimist. One more reason you're insufferable." Ventus got up, then, and held his hand out to Vanitas, who glared at him. But after a moment, he took Ventus' hand and Ventus pulled him up off the ground. 

"Come on," Ventus said, summoning the ship thing. Vanitas never really understood that thing. Was it the keyblade? Did all keyblades do that? But he didn't think too much about it, anyway. 

"Alright, stop your bitching," Vanitas replied, getting on behind Ventus. He put the helmet back on and sighed. "I feel like a little kid." 

"Maybe because you're only ten years old?" 

"Fuck off." 

And then, they were off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to my I Love Vanitas corner, in which I show why Vanitas, though he did some messed up stuff, is a good person. He's just hurting. A lot.


	2. Vanitas is Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas is less okay than he thought. But Ventus and Aqua are the kindest people he has ever met... he just can't say that out loud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Flashbacks, scars, holding back emotions, panic attacks
> 
> This one feels kind of dark to me. But that might just be because it's got a lot of problematic stuff in it.

Vanitas didn't know what he expected, but it wasn't this. He'd been here before, and arriving wasn't a surprise. What was surprising was that Ventus was fussing about what clothes Vanitas should wear. 

"What's wrong with my clothes?" he asked, feeling self-conscious. But he wouldn't admit that to Ventus. He realized after a moment that Ventus would be able to tell anyway, and he hated it. He scowled at the floor as he spoke, feeling how his negative emotions settled deep in his chest. It often choked him up, often made him feel as if he would cry... But he never would. Always on the edge of tears, never able to let it out... Sometimes he had those panic attacks, though. But those only made him feel worse. He hated everything. Why was life so hard? 

"I mean, they work, but haven't you been wearing those for ten years?" Ventus asked. Vanitas pursed his lips. 

"I take it all off for bathing, if you must know." Idiot. He was an idiot. He didn't know which of them he was thinking about. 

"Oh, thank goodness." Ventus seemed immensely relieved about this. 

"What, you thought I didn't bathe? I may be darkness incarnate, but I'm not insane." He pinched his eyebrows together angrily and huffed, pushing Ventus aside. "Let me find some clothes, alright? I'll ask you if I want your help." He rifled through Ventus' drawer until he found a black graphic shirt. Ventus seemed unsurprised by his choice. 

"I've got some boots in my closet you could wear. Oh, and pants are in the bottom drawer. I've got some ripped ones, if you're interested in that." 

"Hmph." He grabbed the stuff Ventus had told him about and put it all on his counterpart's bed. "I believe I'm ready," he said. But Ventus got up and went back to his drawer. He got a pair of socks and then a pair of boxers and tossed them to Vanitas, who caught them. 

"You'll need those," he said in explanation. 

"What are...?" Vanitas began, but then he saw how the boxers were shaped... and how there was.... a place in the front that could open, where... "H-huh?" He blushed, and Ventus hid an amused smile at how similar to Sora he had just sounded. Vanitas had never actually blushed before, so he freaked out a little and put a hand on his cheek. Seriously? Was he actually this easily flustered? He didn't know the answer to that question. "Uh, what the hell are these, Ventus?" 

"Underwear. And socks. One's for... Well, I think you figured that one out. The socks, you put on your feet before your shoes. Makes everything more comfortable and less sweaty." He chuckled at Vanitas' red face. Vanitas growled at him in response, got up, and stomped out of the room with all the clothes in his arms.

"You have a fucking shower, don't you, idiot?" he asked, assuming Ventus was following. And he was. 

"Yeah, uh, it's that door, there," he said, pointing. 

"Good." Vanitas disappeared into that room. 

He closed and locked the door, before leaning against the wall. He looked at himself in the mirror, gritting his teeth as he felt his eyes fill with tears. Idiot, idiot, idiot. You're so fucking weak. He tore his eyes from the mirror, pulling off his boots and letting his suit dissipate the way the mask of his helmet did. He also took the guard from around his jaw and the back of his head, and put that on top of his boots. The helmet mask re-materialized over the guard. 

And then he stared at himself in the mirror again. He hated this. He never wanted to see this. Because he couldn't even remember how each and every scar got there. Xehanort hadn't held back, even if he was just a kid back then. Well, he still was, since he was the same age as Ventus. And Ventus hadn't aged in ten years. But he stopped thinking about that and turned around, just... curious to see how many were on his back. He knew there would be a lot, but he didn't expect just how many stripes stretched across his back, and he gasped. His eyes raked over the area, and suddenly, he wasn't in Ventus' bathroom anymore. 

Ventus had begun to go back to his room when a wall of sheer panic smashed into him. His eyes widened and he staggered a little, and then he looked back to the bathroom. Where he heard a distinct shout of 'No!! It hurts! Stop, PLEASE!' and some thumps. He frowned, and then headed back toward the bathroom, where he knocked on the door gently. 

"NO! NO, MASTER, ANYTHING BUT THAT! ANYTHING--" But Vanitas was cut off by a scream of complete and utter terror. Vanitas didn't realize it was his own until a moment later. He realized what had happened and then that he probably wouldn't be able to stand, with how much he was shaking. Useless. In his terror, to shield himself from whatever attacks Xehanort would throw at him in the flashback, he had brought the suit back around himself. Helpless. 

Ventus knocked again on the door, and Vanitas hit his elbow on the bathtub in surprise. But the door opened soon after, and Vanitas was there. He still wasn't wearing his boots, but the rest of his suit was on. His helmet was also still missing. 

"Vanitas..." was all Ventus could say. 

"H-help," Vanitas whimpered, his voice cracking a little at the end. Because help was what he needed. Ventus was always his help. Always. He needed relief because he was still half in the Keyblade Graveyard, and half in Ventus' bathroom. Still getting over that panic attack. Still... 

Ventus entered the room, closing the door behind himself before hugging Vanitas, who was shaking again. Okay, this seemed like it happened more than Vanitas let on. But then, Ventus distinctly remembered that Vanitas had said he had these 'all the time'... 

Vanitas held onto Ventus fiercely. He was so angry with himself. Angry that he was so weak. Angry that he was giving in to the light, that he couldn't even handle his own darkness. He was darkness, right? Why couldn't he take it? 

He let out an angry huff, and then ripped himself away from Ventus, who yelped in surprise. "Hey-- are you okay?" Even that question pissed him off. 

"Of course I'm okay, idiot. Why wouldn't I be? Huh?" He asked it almost threateningly, and Ventus frowned. 

"You just... I..." He changed his phrasing. "Do you know what post-traumatic stress disorder is?" 

"Sounds fuckin stupid," Vanitas replied. He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. 

"It's uh... an anxiety disorder that characterizes itself in trigger-induced flashbacks and panic attacks." Ventus looked away. "It sounds exactly like what just happened to you." 

"How the hell did you know it was a flashback?! Are you invading my fucking mind?!" Vanitas spat, and he pushed himself off the wall to get in Ventus' face. 

Ventus took a step back. "No. I can't do that. You were yelling. 'Stop, it hurts, please, anything but that...' and I was overwhelmed with your panic, as well." 

Vanitas didn't know why he didn't realize that he had been shouting. His throat hurt from it. But hearing all the stuff Ventus had heard... "I guess I'm more fucked up than I thought I was. It's a disorder...?" He laughed quietly to himself, and then it got louder, and he was crying, he was laughing, he was terrified. Absolutely terrified. He clutched at his own hair, eyes wide and staring at something unseen. 

Ventus was disturbed, now. What's happening? What's wrong with him? Why is he laughing? But then he noticed the crazed look on his face, and he frowned. And he noticed the fear Vanitas was unintentionally emanating, as well. He gritted his teeth. 

"I'm a whole other kind of fucked up, aren't I?! I can't even fucking look at my own body in a mirror! Isn't that fucking HILARIOUS?!" 

Ah, so that was the trigger... Did he have marks? Scars? He watched Vanitas' face almost immediately go back into an angry frown.

"The fuck are you looking at, huh?!" Vanitas threatened. But Ventus didn't back down. He put a hand on Vanitas' shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. Vanitas was making a face that looked almost grief-stricken, and for a split second, Ventus could see the same expression Sora made when Kairi was killed right in front of him. And he knew Vanitas wasn't in a small amount of pain, just from that look, if not from the pain in his chest he could feel through their connection. 

"Can you, uh... take off... the top half of this?" Ventus asked, his voice wavering. 

"Why the hell do you want to see it?" 

"I'm just... curious, I guess." And to Ventus' surprise, Vanitas' suit melted away from his neck until it got to his waist, where it stayed. Vanitas had closed his eyes. 

"Don't make me fucking look at them," he said, in warning. And Ventus understood. 

"I won't. I promise." He looked down at Vanitas' front first, where there were around fifteen scars. Ones that reached from his side to the center of his stomach, ones that slashed all the way across his stomach, some across his forearms where it looked like he'd tried to protect himself... He walked around and put a hand on Vanitas' shoulder to get him to stop leaning against the wall, and surprisingly, he complied. "Don't open your eyes now," he whispered, because Vanitas was facing the mirror. And then he looked at his back. His eyes widened. 

Hundreds. There were hundreds. He felt his stomach drop. He felt nauseous. And somehow... he felt something pull at him on the inside, as if his past self experienced the same thing. But his memories were still locked away. He trailed his fingers across Vanitas' back, over the scars, and Vanitas stiffened. "Okay, that's enough," Vanitas said, his voice shaky. Ventus took his hand back, and Vanitas made the suit come back up to cover him. 

He opened his eyes, then, and turned to Ventus. "Before you ask, yes, Xehanort gave me all of these." He pushed himself up and sat on the sink counter.

Ventus stared at the ground for a moment, deep in thought. "Um, I... have no memories of what happened, but... I'm pretty sure he gave me some too. When he was trying to make me separate with you. Since... I got, uh, the Ventus half." He bit his lip, and then started to take off his jacket. "They look a lot like yours. Do you think you'll be okay if you see them?" 

Vanitas looked offended that Ventus would even suggest he wouldn't be okay, and waved his hand at him dismissively. "I'm fine." He wasn't fine. 

"If you say so..." Ventus said hesitantly, but he pulled off his shirt and showed Vanitas his back. "I don't... have as many as you do," he said solemnly. "But this is something we share." 

"Shit..." Vanitas put a shaky hand over his face. "That fucking bastard. I thought it was only me. But... it's no wonder he hurt us even before I separated from you... After knowing how... how... he is." But then he seemed to realize he'd just spoken from his heart, and he suddenly looked angry again. He opened the door and pushed Ventus out, throwing his shirt after him. "Okay. Fuck off, leave me alone. You had your softie moment." He shut the door on Ventus and let his suit melt off again so he could take a shower. 

Once he got in, it took him a while to figure out how to turn on the water and where he was supposed to put which thing, but reading the directions on the backs of bottles helped. He also managed to figure out the controls of the water. He took a longer shower than would be normal, just because he had to figure out how to use everything. He was also making an effort to not look down at himself. 

Once he was satisfied with how clean he was, Vanitas turned off the water and dried himself with a towel until he thought he was dry enough. He put on the shirt he had gotten from Ventus then, and despite the fact that he did still have some scars on his arms, this made it possible for him to look in the mirror. Oh, his hair was weighted down by the water. He'd never seen that before. He pulled on the rest of the clothes, after a moment cringing at the underwear as he put it on. And then, he was dressed, and he looked back up at the mirror. 

"Huh. Not bad." He grabbed the boots he had always worn, and his helmet, and left the bathroom. 

As Vanitas made his way down the hall, the combat boots Ventus had given him made a satisfying tap with each step. Okay, he was enjoying these clothes way too much. 

Vanitas entered Ventus' room without knocking, put his boots and helmet on the floor, and then left. Ventus, who had been reading, was confused, and got up to follow him. "Hey, Vanitas, where are you going...?" he asked. 

"Out."

And he did. He looked around the huge castle that the three keyblade wielders lived in, keeping his face blank as he did. When he found his way to the room where they had performed their Mark of Mastery exam, he paused in the center of the room and stared at the huge chair in the center of the wall. He found himself looking to the left of it, then, but he clenched his fists and whirled around so that he couldn't see it anymore. Xehanort, Xehanort, Xehanort. Everywhere. He couldn't escape. He couldn't escape!

He choked those emotions back. Weak. Those were weak emotions.

He made himself angry instead, summoning his keyblade as he walked toward the door. His pace quickened until he was running as fast as he could up the hill toward the cliff, where he looked for something to fight, something to hit, something to take his emotions out on. But there was nothing. Nothing, there was always nothing. What kind of world would Vanitas live in if he were allowed to have relief? He laughed again, but threw his keyblade at the ground where it stood upright. It dematerialized. Vanitas kicked the ground.

"Are you looking for someone to fight?" asked a femenine voice from behind. Vanitas looked over his shoulder at Aqua and scowled.

"Not like you could make it satisfactory anyway," he spat. She summoned her keyblade anyway, though.

"Try me."

Vanitas rolled his eyes but summoned his keyblade again, rushing Aqua as he swung his keyblade at her, hard. But a clang rang out across the hill as the two keyblades met, and then Aqua countered it. Vanitas blocked that one and hopped up and over Aqua so he was behind her, where he swung again. He was surprised to see that she had blocked that blow, as well.

They fought for a while, no one gaining any headway. Vanitas got a few hits on Aqua, but she hadn't landed any on him until the end. And as soon as Vanitas felt it, he held up his keyblade in a defensive position and fell to his knees. "Master, please!" he shouted, his hands shaking as he held up his keyblade. Aqua immediately stopped and dropped her keyblade.

"Whoa." She kneeled in front of Vanitas and put a hand on his shoulder, which he shrunk away from. But then he seemed to remember where he was, because he threw his keyblade to the side and covered his face with his hands.

"Don't look at me," he whispered. "I'm pathetic." He wanted to scream. Wanted to tear out his hair, claw everything to pieces, destroy everything in sight. But something was holding him back.

"He did this to you, didn't he?" Aqua asked quietly.

Vanitas sucked in a breath unintentionally, only just now realizing he was kind of in hysterics. He laughed. "What the fuck didn't he do to me?!" he retorted. He pulled at his hair a little. "Not that you'd understand. You've had it great. Nothing to complain about. Always with your good Master Eraqus, growing up like a normal apprentice. He didn't beat you, did he? He didn't tell you every day how worthless you are, how pathetic, how useless. And you had a reason to live." 

He let his hands drop from his hair and lifted his head to look at Aqua. "Did you ever realize that the entire time I've been alive, my goal was to die?" he asked quietly. "Because that's what would've happened if we forged the χ-blade. I would've died. That's the whole reason why Xehanort stole me from Ventus. So that I would kill myself making the χ-blade."

Aqua closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "I'm so sorry that happened, Vanitas. And... I don't know if this would help, but... I think you are worth so much more than any of us thought before. I didn't know that you... that you were afraid. I just thought you were a monster. Ruthless, only trying to kill Ven... But that's not actually what you are, is it? You're a tortured boy who didn't even ask to exist in the first place."

Vanitas felt his throat tighten at her words, his eyes filling with tears. But he didn't want to cry. He hated crying. Why did he keep fucking crying?

He looked away from her. "I don't know how you can say that and not throw up, if I'm honest with you."

She snorted. "That's fair, coming from you. I guess that was a response that would've come from the light in my heart, huh?"

"Ha. If it was only light, I wouldn't have been so..." affected by it. "You had some negative emotion in there. Why else would you have such a sad expression on your face?" he asked.

"Fair point." But then, after Aqua's reply, Vanitas stood.

"Something about you makes me talk too much," he observed. It was Aqua's maternal sort of personality, most likely. "I'm done showing you my weakness. You're not bad with that keyblade. Fight me more often." It might help him get used to keyblades again after having a few weeks without any fighting or beatings. He hadn't summoned any unversed after the first week, just because the deep depression that always settled in his chest weighed him down like lead. He couldn't bring himself to get up after that first week. Just because he had felt light.

Aqua stood too, and as Vanitas turned to leave, she grabbed his shoulder again. He stiffened, and then she did something unexpected -- she hugged him. He didn't know how to feel. Only Ventus had done this before, and he had a connection to Ventus, so of course he would care. But Aqua? She had every reason to hate him. He was so horrible to her. He tried to kill her. But here she was, hugging him while he stood rigidly.

She let go before he could even process it. "I thought... you could use a hug," she said in explanation. But Vanitas put a hand up as if to make her stop talking. He was still frozen in place for the most part, staring at the ground for a while. But then he looked back up at Aqua and felt... grateful? Is that what this is?

"Th... Thaa... Fuck. I can't even say that shit." He covered his face with a hand. "You are compassionate. That's the closest I'm gonna get."

Aqua chuckled at his awkward wording. "You're welcome, Vanitas. We're gonna eat in around a half hour, so if you'd like to, you can join us back at the castle then."

Vanitas nodded once, and then she left him alone on the top of the cliff. He fell onto his back, covering his eyes with his hand because the sky was so bright it hurt. And he found himself almost believing that maybe he wasn't worthless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this! I hope you enjoyed this chapter <3 
> 
> Comments are appreciated!!


	3. ...Interesting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanitas reflects on his past and then realizes he's not alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Neglect, mentions of eating problems, self hatred, anxiety

Tired. 

Vanitas was tired often, and this was definitely one of those times. He had always slept on the cold, dry ground of the Badlands when he got tired. He wasn't quite sure where he would sleep now, but since all his life he had slept on the ground outside, that felt like the place that would be most home-like to him. The only problem was that where he used to be was never his home. Xehanort had made sure of that. When Vanitas was still innocent and frightened, every time Xehanort left him alone, he was afraid. Because what if someone came to hurt him? Wasn't Xehanort supposed to protect him?

_"M-master?" Vanitas called, after he had watched Xehanort disappear through one of his famed dark portals. "Master, where did you go?" He had never left Vanitas alone since he dropped off Ventus, but now, that was what Vanitas was. Alone. Completely and utterly alone. He sat on the ground and felt tears prickle at his eyes, but he blinked them back._ Be strong, Vanitas. _Even though he told himself that, he couldn't stop looking behind himself. He felt like someone was watching him, like something was going to jump out and attack him. Why wouldn't he? He was alone. It was night, too. And though he was darkness in the flesh... he came to realize that he was afraid of the dark._

_Summoning unversed wasn't something he'd done before. He didn't even know he could do it until this night. Because on this night, he was the most terrified he had ever been thus far. He had run to the rocks far across the flat ground and hid among them. This way, he wasn't completely out in the open... he would be okay, like this._ Right? _After a minute or two of staring at the rock in front of him, Vanitas found himself trembling._ Damn it, Vanitas, pull yourself together... 

_"Nothing's here. There's nothing out here, I'm all alone. This desert is completely empty. Stop shaking, stop it! Pathetic... I'm so... I'm so scared. Master, please... don't leave me here alone..." Vanitas felt the tears again, but this time, he didn't bother to stop them. He let them flow freely down his cheeks as he pulled his knees to his chest and rocked back and forth. Lonely. Afraid. Paranoid. Useless... Not worth it. He found himself wondering if he was even supposed to exist. Why was he here? To forge that special keyblade or something, right? But what exactly was that thing? What could it do? Why did Xehanort want it so badly?_

_Why wasn't Vanitas enough?_

_"He wouldn't have left me alone if he cared about me," he said to himself quietly. And then he heard something nearby, a strange sound. He jumped and his head snapped toward the direction it came from. But what he saw... was a small, dark creature. Not a heartless... but then he noticed he felt kind of attached to it. From his heart. "Are you... from me?" he asked quietly. He didn't dare move, though, because if it hadn't come from him, he couldn't trust it._

_He couldn't trust anything. He wasn't even completely sure he could trust himself._

_But he willed the creature to move, and it did. So he had power over it. But why? He was just crying... Just... crying. Were his emotions really that strong? That they became living beings? He looked down and frowned. The only thing that was special about him was how sad he was. How ironic._

_"Get over here," he told the creature. "I want you to stand guard. Wake me up if something comes by." It obeyed, and once it stood facing the gap between the rocks he had hid in, he curled up on his side and felt a deep ache in his chest. "I hate myself," he whispered, in realization. And he felt his eyes fill with tears for the third time, because it hurt to say that out loud. It hurt to admit it. He had only been alive for two days, and he already hated himself._

_Who would ever think he was worth keeping alive? He wouldn't blame Xehanort if he had left him here to die. He felt like he deserved it, just for existing. Even though he'd never done anything in the time he had been alive. Well, now that wasn't completely true, was it? He just created some little creature, right? But he didn't know if that was good or bad. Or if he was good or bad. Why did he have those concepts in his mind?_ _Why did he want to be good?_

_When he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, he noticed he had unconsciously connected to Ventus. His light half. The one Xehanort had given to a good friend. Vanitas didn't even know what a friend was. Would he ever know? But feeling that connection... Ventus wasn't feeling much. He seemed to be asleep. Or completely blank. When Xehanort had gone to drop him off, Vanitas had felt a sharp headache stab through his skull not too long after. And since then, he realized he and Ventus were connected. Because it hadn't been his. Ventus had tried to remember something... he could feel it. And that headache wasn't really a headache, it was the spell Xehanort had cast on him. Did Xehanort know it hurt Vanitas too? But Vanitas had immediately blocked himself off from Ventus so he couldn't feel what Vanitas was feeling._

_Since then, he had been curious about Ventus. What was he like? How did he feel? Why wasn't he feeling anything? Was he okay? He found himself worrying about Ventus more and more as he thought about this. Hadn't Xehanort torn Vanitas from him? Was he okay? He knew his heart wasn't whole. How could Vanitas feel, then? Everything was so confusing. But he had started to nod off as he thought about his brother. And not too long afterward, Vanitas let himself sink into unconsciousness -- the thick, heavy feeling that was slowly enveloping him like a melancholy pool of warm black honey._

Vanitas sat against a tree, facing the cliff as he looked down at the ground. He had forgotten just how small he was. Just how young. How naive. Why had Aqua acted like she cared about him? Did she? He doubted it. He wasn't worth caring for. He heard gentle footsteps to his right and looked over his shoulder to see Ventus approaching from the direction of the castle. He looked back to the cliff and sighed. It had been around an hour since Aqua left. They'd probably eaten already.

Ventus didn't speak, surprisingly. He just laid on the ground and looked up at the stars. Vanitas had stayed here and watched the sunset while he thought about his past, so it was already dark out. But still, Ventus was quiet. Vanitas found himself appreciating that. His presence here was enough. Silent coexistence. He liked it. He looked up at the stars too, and realized that this world was more beautiful than he thought. They all had different skies, yes, because they were all in different places. But this one had the best he'd seen yet. Everything was so visible... There weren't many lights on this world, after all. The castle was all that was here. So the sky was breathtakingly clear. It looked almost purple, and the stars weren't just white. He could actually see some of their colors. He could make out an orange one, a blue one... One of them looked red, even. He wondered which one was the Keyblade Graveyard. But as soon as he thought that, he frowned. If he found it... He would want that star to go out.

He looked over at Ventus, who had pointed a concerned expression his way when he thought about that. He both appreciated and resented their connection. He looked down and broke eye contact, but Ventus didn't look away -- in fact, he sat up so he could see Vanitas better. It made Vanitas feel self-conscious. But then, Ventus stood, walked closer, and sat next to him. Oh. He put his back against the tree too, on a part Vanitas wasn't leaning on, and closed his eyes.

"Would you like to eat something?" Ventus asked quietly. 

"I dunno. I don't really feel hunger. I... always wondered if you did." Because Ventus was his other half. Maybe he could experience it, while Vanitas couldn't.

"Oh. I... didn't eat after Eraqus was killed, but not because I refused to -- it was more like a response to the emotions. I stopped getting hungry. Maybe that has something to do with it. Aqua called it depression... and I suppose it was. But I didn't know that I was able to feel that."

"I can feel pride. So it's probably because it was an emotion caused by the lo... l-lo... Wow. I guess the only way I can say something like that is... Your _**stupid love**_ for that _**old jerk**_ probably gave you depression because you're _**weak."**_

Ventus studied Vanitas' features for a while, and then looked away, deep in thought.

In reality, Vanitas was jealous that Ventus could feel things like that. He had been trying to hide that, which is why he'd tried to say it in a different way than he usually would've, but Ventus would've been able to tell anyway, wouldn't he? Vanitas gave a humorless laugh. Why did he remember that insult Ventus had spat at him all those years ago just now?

"What's wrong?" Ventus asked, looking back to Vanitas now. 

"I'm the weak one, aren't I? All my life I've just been trying to give some powerful thing to an asshole who beat the shit out of me. I'm stupid. I'm so _stupid._ I ruined your life, didn't I? Why are you all so nice to me? I bet Terra hates me. He got the worst of it. He probably hasn't talked to me because he would kill me if he even saw me. I deserve it, anyway. _I tried to kill you. I tried to kill Aqua._ He'll probably never forgive me." Vanitas was smiling, but there was an obvious undertone of fear in that expression. And there may have also been sadness under that, too. But Vanitas was always an enigma, so it was difficult to tell. Ventus almost always felt every negative emotion that was possible coming from Vanitas, just... some were more amplified than others sometimes. Right now, this felt like guilt. 

"Shut up," Vanitas spat. "I know you're pitying me. Stop it. Shut up, stop shoving your stupid emotions in my head! I hate it! I don't need your stupid pity, _Ventus."_

"It's not... pity, Vanitas, I care about you."

"No, no way. You don't. You can't. I fucked your whole life up. That shit isn't possible. Not even for someone with that sickening pure light you have for a heart."

"Isn't it?" Ventus tried to push his compassion further toward Vanitas, who stood and summoned his keyblade. 

"Didn't I tell you to _shut up?!"_ He whirled on Ventus, who blocked his attack with his own keyblade, which was still kind of sparkling from how recently it was summoned. 

"It's okay, Vanitas," Ventus said. 

"Fuck off!"

The only reason Ventus wasn't immediately backing down was because he knew what was happening. He could see it.

"I have already forgiven you," he said softly. And then, Vanitas shrieked and stabbed his keyblade into the ground, where he fell to his knees and used it to hold himself up.

Vanitas couldn't even forgive himself, he realized. He wasn't hated by these three. He hated himself. He'd known that, all this time, but he didn't realize he had been projecting it onto Aqua and Terra. Least of all, Ventus. 

"How?" That was the only word he could form at this point. Because he didn't understand. How could someone forgive the horrible things Vanitas had done?

"I care about you, Vanitas." Ventus dropped his keyblade and knelt beside his brother, placing a hand on his shoulder. 

Vanitas thought back to that insult, from all those years ago. 

"Ventus, how... do you know if someone is a friend?"

"A friend is someone who cares about you, and who you care about in return. It's... not easy to describe."

"Then you were wrong." Vanitas huffed out a laugh. 

"Huh?"

"You were wrong. 'At least I have some,' you said. Before. But now I know you were wrong."

"Have some...? What do you mean?"

"I have a friend, idiot. How stupid are you?"

Ventus paused for a moment, before coming to a realization. "Oh, that... When I was gonna destroy the χ-blade? Wait, who is it?"

"Take a wild guess," Vanitas replied sarcastically.

"Wait, you mean me? You care about me? How is that even... possible?"

"I don't know, dickhead. Probably because you decided to put a piece of light in my heart a few weeks ago. The point is that you were wrong. I win. You lose." 

Ventus couldn't help but laugh, though he did try to stop.

"Hey, what are you laughing at, idiot?"

"You really like winning, huh?" Ventus asked, grinning.

Vanitas rolled his eyes and flicked him. He let his keyblade dematerialize and stood up. "I think I'm hungry," he said dismissively, and started off toward the castle. 

"Oh! We had sukiyaki for dinner, does that sound good to you?"

"Whatever. I'll judge it for myself."

Vanitas was coming to realize now that what he thought of others wasn't always totally true. Maybe... just maybe... less people hated him than he had thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was written while I was listening to a song from the game OneShot, which plays at a morbid and disturbing, yet noble part of the game. I highly recommend it, it's a very good game. Emotional, yes, and you should have at least some skills with navigating your files. But honestly, it was the only game that ever made me feel like a character was a real person, and not just a character. 
> 
> Here's an extended version the song if you'd like to listen to it: https://youtu.be/nXS8ec4-kj8  
> (It's also on Spotify and SoundCloud.)

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my I Love Vanitas corner, in which I show why Vanitas, though he did some messed up stuff, is a good person. He's just hurting. A lot.


End file.
